I think this turned into some strange pep talk…

Disclaimer: This is going to be one of my venting posts. Maybe I’m not venting as much as I’m just thinking “out loud” because its 9 p.m. in Goodyear, Arizona, both my husband and my pooch are already passed out (sawing logs) and I’ve had some stuff on my mind for the past few weeks…

As my close friends who are all currently pretty far away know, I’ve been doing a good amount of whining this spring training. I’m not proud but I’m not perfect and I’m sure in the hell not content 24/7 so it is what it is. Every time I complain, I feel some kind of guilty. Maybe I consider how fortunate I am. Maybe I realize that things could be worse. Maybe I think of all of the people who would be quick to call me names if I expressed my current feelings on social media. Maybe… Just maybe I know that I have nothing serious to complain about but that still doesn’t change the fact that I just don’t feel like a ray of sunshine all of the time.

There are many baseball ladies who do not accompany their significant others to spring training. Some have children who are in school, some have other responsibilities at home, and for some, it’s not even a possibility due to financial restrictions or job schedules. You will find many MLB and MiLB ladies out there as we speak who are bummed because their favorite dude left for spring and they won’t see him for a few weeks or even months. That’s not me. Like every other season, I packed my junk and made the temporary move to Arizona because that’s just how we do it.

In the past, spring training was always a temporary move leading to another temporary move. There were seasons where we didn’t even know where we would end up at the end of it and others where we drove over from San Diego and then back to an apartment with a ton of unpacked boxes for decorations because I knew we wouldn’t be there long anyway and it was just inefficient to unpack things we didn’t really need just to pack them up again. Last season, we flew back to Cincinnati and stayed at the Westin, living out of suitcases for a while. Looking back, I guess my jokes about being a gypsy were never a joke at all.

The difference this spring training is that we actually have a home to miss (an even bigger reason to feel ridiculous for not putting my super happy Stepford wife face on every day). Granted, I have no actual desire to be home without my guy yet I can’t help but miss waking up to foot warmers in the form of cats sleeping on my feet and 3 huge dogs slobbering all over the place. I just want to drink coffee in my own kitchen while I plan out my errands for the day. I miss my gym. My routine. My friends. My sister.  I might even miss the lady down the street who always thinks we’re speeding because our cars are loud. The thermostat in our bedroom that always makes it either too hot or too cold- I kinda miss that too.

I refuse to believe that these feelings make me ungrateful or unaware of my blessings. I’m thankful to wake up every day in sunny Arizona to my husband’s 6 am alarm (okay, I hate the alarm). It’s nice that he gets home from work at a decent hour and aside from a knee injury, there’s been nothing serious to stress about.

When I get back home, there will be a ton of chaos and I will no longer have afternoons to spend with Mat. He’ll be working 10 hours a day IF he’s even in town. I’ll be holding the fort (read: the zoo) down and trying not to miss him or my flights every other week. I’ll probably even get a little frustrated every now and then.  As the months progress, I may even start looking forward to a little off-season peace. Who knows. I might just be a human with real human feelings and everything! (crazy, right?)

It doesn’t take any deep reflection to know that one of the greatest challenges is learning to appreciate the present no matter how blue the past, how bright the future or how screwed up things might get at any given moment. But I don’t think that looking back, looking forward or appreciating your current situation has to be a mutually exclusive mindset. What I’m saying here is- don’t do what I do and feel bad about feeling bad from time to time. (I’ve almost decided that it’s okay to stop beating myself up about this. almost.)

I’m no authority to tell you what to do but I’m pretty certain that feelings are feelings and they are valid no matter how silly or irrational they might seem to others or even yourself when you really step back and think about it. As much as I keep expressing that I want to be home, I know that being in Cincinnati right now would have its own set of challenges.

What I’m trying to say here is that the grass may seem greener but it’s never, ever easy and all we can really do is try our best to make what we can out of what we have at any given time. And you know what- if you want to feel grumpy despite the number of things you have to be grateful for, feel grumpy. (Just try not to do it too often because that’s no fun.)

After all, the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Right. It’s only then that you can choose to fix the things that don’t bring you happiness or you can learn to be at peace with them.

Happy happy hunting.

xo

D

11 Comments

“but I’m pretty certain that feelings are feelings and they are valid no matter how silly or irrational they might seem to others or even yourself when you really step back and think about it”

This, I needed to hear this today. Even if it means I am sitting in my living room on my laptop with tears streaming down my face right now.

I’m sorry you’re missing home, and not loving where you are right now, and I hope that things look up soon.

I loved this post, it gives us great insight on what it’s like (almost) being married to a baseball player. I can’t imagine it being easy finally getting use to a house and city to have to move to Arizona for about 3 moths; just to miss your family, animals , and everything you are custom to having. Let alone the wives and family that don’t get to see their hubby during spring or much during the seasons. It’s completely fine to have the feelings you have I’d be right there with ya. Just want to say how much respect I have for you and the baseball wives out there, It must be hard some times especially the one who have kids. You are by far my favorite person on twitter because you seem real you say what you mean and thinks no matter what anyone else thinks ! :) keep you head up girly

I think you’re doing a great job navigating your crazy lifestyle. As you mature your definition of ‘drama’changes too. I can remember back when getting a flat tire wud have me in tears but now it’s just an ‘oh well’ call AAA. Love hearing perspective. Happy Thoughts! cyn

Jon Katzh – a writer – states frequently on his blog “My life is not an argument.” It’s a mantra I have come to embrace. Only you know the ins & outs & challenges that your life brings – along with the goodness in it – and so when it comes to opinions & feelings about that life – yours are the only ones that truly matter. No one needs to give you permission to feel anything about anything – or decide whether those feelings are legitimate. Your life, your feelings – they are not an argument.

. I’ve been a baseball fan all of my 71years and have always wondered about the wives’ lives, and you give a very good insight . I think it would be a very difficult lifestyle, and I admire you. Never get down on yourself or apologize for your feelings. Thanks for sharing with us.

I know the public thinks the lives of pro sport players and their families is glamorous, but you share how we all have feelings that we are inadequate at times no matter who we are. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings with the fans, hopefully it will make people think before judging (probably wishful thinking on my part)! We will all be glad when the Reds are back in Cincinnati and looking forward to a great year! Happy Spring 🌷

This is me all the way. But just sometimes lol

I was feeling alone and bored at the beginning of spring training and trying to explain it to another baseball lady who made me feel completely ungrateful because of my feelings and what I was saying was kind of a wake up call that day. She told me “well honey this is the life we chose”. Immediately my thoughts were “excuse me! I had no idea why I was getting into!” But like you said I don’t have to feel bad if I do feel bad. Having nothing to do can drive a human being crazy!!! That’s something most of the people can’t understand.

Dallas, Its time for you to check out the sunrise/sunsets in Arizona. Take in the beauty of the desert and all the “critters” that stay there. Yes…things could be a lot worse! I was in Yuma a long time ago/USMC/ and it was amazing! You and Mat do have a good life. I’m trying to get my youngest daughter thru college in NYC! It is wild-expensive!!! Hang tough and go flying…maybe a hot-air-balloon? Flying is my passion and it soothes you! Lots of people don’t even have food/housing, love ya!

BUT THEN……As long as you see the beauty…and how good you do have it…even if Mat sleeps (he needs it at a very busy time of year)…plan to stay here (Cincy) next Spring or travel to your home. You do have the right/need to vent. Everyone does.I wish you the best!! Peace.

Please let Mat know I’m sorry for his loss. His uncle Joe called with the news… Dana

This is so late to have found your comment (like Latos just pitched a super game yesterday, Aug 28!). But I wanted to write this–I like your honesty and your impulses that make you go ahead and write what you feel. I am the same way and sometimes it gets me into trouble and then I feel bad thinking I hurt some peoples feelings because they don’t agree with me and then I end up scrambling around deleting this and that, trying to please everybody all the time. Mainly on Facebook. I am trying to be more careful about what I write (it’s hard to do (sometimes I just about have to put a gag around my mouth (finger on the keyboard??) to keep from expressing a thought that I know is too controversial! What I just want to get over is that what you wrote about venting once in awhile is just good advice. And if anybody thinks you are cranky or worse then they are either ignorant or two-faced because we all feel like storming at life sometimes–if we’re honest. I admire your charity work–that just sounded so inadequate, just putting into words like that all the time and effort you spend on such an ongoing problem in our society. You sound so on fire about so many things and enthusiastic–I hope as you grow older you will keep this fire about what matters to you and channel it in positive ways. Congratulations to you both on your baby!

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